Spying Bob scrolling through photos of reclining LazyBoy chairs on Kijiji recently made me nervous.
I couldn’t help but blurt out (a tad over-reacty): “It has to match!”
“What are you, Princess Di?” he asked, his trademark wry wit reminding me why I married him.
Still, it demonstrates the incredible mindset gap between women and men, even among couples who (like us) are happily married.
Commercials would have us believe that happy couples spend Valentine’s Day dancing around in a meadow while the men—dressed in tuxedos—drape realms of diamonds ‘round their women’s necks.
More realistically, it can be just as fun sitting around in your sweatpants eating Cheetohs, and having a mushy card tossed your way, if you’re with the right person.
I guess what I’m saying is that true love’s not all about trinkets. It means actually liking the person.
Sadly, we all know those couples who should just give it up, already, but maybe need a little shove.
And so, continuing in the proud tradition of Paul Simon, here’s my fourth column offering 48 more ways to leave your lover. To make it more challenging, this time, I’ve used some family and friends’ names.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Drive away on a Zamboni, Tony
Flee as fast as a gazelle, Michelle
Don’t wait for a response, Alphonse
Make your move toward the door.
You can climb out of the winda, Linda,
Put her stuff out at the curb, Herb
Slither snake-like on your belly, Kelly
You don’t need that guy no more.
Hitch a ride on the next ferry, Terry
Take a one-horse open sleigh, Kay
Go ahead and book your flight, Dwight
Anywhere but here will do.
Sneak away when he’s a-snooze, Suze
Hitch a ride aboard a truck, Chuck
No need taking out your pistol, Krystal,
Save your bullets; save you, too.
There’s much more to life than her, Mur
Ain’t no need to scream and holla, Paula
You’ve been dying a slow death, Beth
And it’s starting to smell sour.
Think it’s time that you vamoose, Bruce
Break your way out of that jail, Gail
Hop a bus or subway train, Wayne
Trains are leaving on the hour.
If you stay you will be sorry, Lori
No need kicking up a fuss, Russ
That guy really is a pain, Jane
And I think that you know where.
Pedal on a unicycle, Michael
Push him on a floating barge, Marj
Run away from that big slob, Rob
Escape and breathe in fresh, clean air.
Throw his stuff on the verandah, Sandra
Things just ain’t been fine and dandy, Andy
Time to stop all of your sobbin’, Robin
We all miss your dazzling smile.
She’s become a bitter pill, Phil
Walk or crawl out on your knees, Louise
If you have to, army crawl, Paul
Even if it takes a while.
Time you started getting picky, Vicky
Pick her off you like a tick, Rick
He just ain’t that good at sharin’, Karen
And his dog is full of fleas.
Leap off on a Tarzan swing, Ling
Time that you say sayonara, Tara
Take a ride out on your Harley, Charlie
The only food she serves is peas.
There’s so much more to life than him, Kim
Pedal quickly on your bike, Mike
Hit the highway in your Honda, Rhonda
Your brand new life starts today.
There are lots of nicer dames, James
Tell that guy he’s got to go, Flo
She ain’t showing you no mercy, Percy
Time to make your getaway.
Pack your stuff up in the van, Jan
Throw her clothes out on the lawn, John
Jump a ship and sail away, Kay
Time you made your longing heard.
Get your gumption up and leave, Steve
Hop a big hot air balloon, June
Doesn’t matter if it’s windy, Cindy
Fly away like a free bird.
